December 10th

Today is my grandmother's birthday. She has been gone for 10 years. Wow...I can't believe it's been that long. Every December 10th, my aunt sends us an email to remind us of the significance of this day and to encourage us to celebrate it in some small way. We often joke that it should be a national holiday. That may be a bit extreme, but to those of us who knew and loved her, it seems fitting. I'm so thankful for the 17 years that I had with her, although I have found myself missing her a lot lately and wishing that I was able to know her as an adult. My relationships with my family have changed a lot over the last few years as I have grown and joined the "real world". For the most part I enjoy and embrace this change, and feel that I would have enjoyed that change in my relationship with my grandma. I'm sure she would have had great advice and sometimes I sit around wanting to know what nuggets of wisdom she would offer about situations in my life. Man, do I miss her. I miss her porcelain white skin and how soft her cheek felt when we gave her "sugar" as she called it. She never missed an opportunity to tell us she loved us and how proud she was of her grandchildren. Her laugh was infectious and her smile lit up a room. As I think back about her, I believe she had "a way with people". I don't think I have ever heard anyone say a bad thing about her. She was kind and gentle and genuinely loved people as well as her God. Don't get me wrong, she could stand up for herself and her family with the best of them and if you were doing something you were not suppose to do...she would make it known very quickly. She was the best playmate too. My siblings, cousins and I would play in her basement for hours and often times she would join us. We would play school and she would be the teacher, or we would play hotel and she would be the boss. We even played wedding and she was the minister! Many of my fondest memories of childhood include my grandmother and her contagious joy. I hope that as I grow and mature, I embody many of the wonderful attributes she portrayed throughout her life.

Winter Bleh...

It's officially winter here in Indiana. In fact my fingers are freezing as I type this. Fall is now a not so distant memory. There's just something about autumn that makes me feel alive inside. Just like the changing of the leaves, it seems to bring about a fresh change in me. I can't help but smile when I see the brilliant colors of the leaves against the blue sky. It's overwhelming to me. It's like God painted this gorgeous scene solely for me to look at and enjoy (yes, I believe he painted it for you too!). Anyway....my favorite season is now over and I must face the daunting realization that winter is settling in for what will seem like an endless stay. I must choose to find the beauty in this season even if it is not as overtly visual. I will find delight in the glow of Christmas lights on a dark night and the sun bouncing off the clean, white snow. It will certainly be a little more difficult, but if I want to survive the winter without getting the "Winter Blehhh's...It must be done.

Seriously want to see this...

I think this clip speaks for itself.

Trailer: Warner Bros / Alcon Entertainment
http://www.johnnyikon.com/

Smiling...

Things that have made me smile recently in a way that I haven't for a while...
- Chilly Fall weather and beautifully colored leaves on the trees.
- Cozy sweatpants given to me by a good friend.
- A fantastic afternoon spent at the cutest little pumpkin patch around.
- Seeing Brandi Carlile live in concert with 2 women who are so dear to my heart.
- Witnessing the miracles of adoption multiple times in the last couple of months.
- News of my brother getting engaged...adding a sister-in-law and nephew to my family
- Finding several blogs that inspire me weekly.
- The picture below of my amazing mother and I.

Lyrics that touch my soul...

Rend
By: Jimmy Needham

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

Yet even now, return to me with nothing less
Than your wounded, broken heart
And cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars and rend
Rend, rend, rend
Rend your hearts

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know your own heart breaks

15 years ago

15 years ago today my life was turned up side down in a way I could never have imagined. It was late and my family was all in bed. Apparently the call came in the middle of the night, but my siblings and I did not awake. I remember waking up on Saturday morning to an eerie feeling that something was not right. My parents were not in their bed. Being the worrier that I am, I rushed downstairs to find my grandpa asleep in the chair and my parents no where to be found. Even at 11, I knew something had to be wrong. My grandpa awoke and took my brother and I into the kitchen. He told us that there had been an accident and our dear friends Lisa and Laura were involved in it. I felt a pit grow in my stomach. I still did not understand. What kind of an accident? Where they hurt? Where they alive? Where were my parents? It all felt so confusing and the room began to spin. Grandpa explained that my mom and dad had gone to be with Lisa and Laura's parents. Kathy and Tom have been my parents best friends for as long as I can remember and Kathy's twin daughters were Lisa and Laura. They were the same age as my brother, which was 4 years older than me. They were like sisters to us, as we were always over at each others houses. We celebrated Christmas and New Years together, went to each others birthday parties and other special events. They were family. I remember thinking they were the coolest girls I knew and I so badly wanted to be like them. I have a younger sister and adore being her big sister, so the twins were like my big sisters.
There are gaps in my memory of that day, but I remember grandpa telling us to get dressed and we would go over to his house, where my grandma would fix us breakfast. I remember him showing us the front page of the newspaper which was story about the accident. A car with 5 passengers had been struck my a train. There were 2 adults in the front seat and 4 teen girls in the back seat. There were 2 survivors. One of the adults and one of the teen girls. The adult was life flighted to a nearby hospital, but died shortly after arriving and the teen girl was rushed to a hospital also. Her name was Holly and she was one of the twins best friends.
My memories then skip to when we were at my grandparents house. My grandma was so loving. I remember her cooking for us and talking so sweetly to my siblings and I. We watched movies and played with toys in the living room. I felt weird. My mind was still racing and was in denial. The twins could not possibly be dead, they were only 15. Late in the morning my parents called to talk with us, I remember getting on the phone and asking my mom where she was. She explained that she was with Kathy and Tom and they had gone to the site of the accident. I then asked her if the twins were dead, possibly more than one time and she gently replied that yes they were. In that instant I could not deny it anymore. It was no longer a story on the front page of the newspaper, it was a reality in our life. Mom said she loved us and would be home later that day...I could tell she had been crying. My memories of the rest of the day fade in and out. We had macaroni and cheese for lunch, but I don't think anyone ate very much. I remember a close family friend coming to take my brother on a walk to give him some time to process...they were after all his age. I don't really remember anything else...not even my parents coming home that night, although I am sure they did. The next few days were a blur. I know that we spent a lot of time at my grandparents as mom and dad helped Kathy and Tom. I recall having this fear that because of this tragic event people would be angry at God. I didn't understand how something like this could happen...in essence the whole "why do bad things happen to good people" thing, but I knew that God was still somewhere in this...watching over us...and now I realize holding us up.
I remember all the talk about the funeral. The viewing was the night before at the funeral home...it was packed. Hundreds of people filed through the building. I sat on a chair in the waiting room with an activity book on my lap. I could not go in. My parents were so great about talking with my siblings and I about the whole thing and letting us experience the grief and pain in our own ways. My dad came out several times to see if I wanted to go in...but I could not. I was too afraid. I think part of my thought that if I did not see them, it would not be real. I could not bear the thought of seeing these 2 girls who I loved so much and were so full of life...without life. The next day was the funeral. An hour before the service was another viewing for the family. Kathy and Tom wanted us in there. I talked with my parents and decided that I wanted to see the twins. I slowly walked up the isle holding my dads hand until I could see them. It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life. I memorized what they were wearing. I don't know why, but I did.
The funeral service was packed...hundreds of people, they even had to have overflow rooms. The twins were very loved. I don't remember everything, but I remember crying and staring at the now closed caskets in disbelief. Kathy sat in front of us and weeped, as did my mom and dad. Two teen boys sang the song "Friends are Friends Forever" by Michael W. Smith and there was not a dry eye in the whole room. After the service we went to the grave site for another short service. We each put roses on the caskets. My grandparents and uncle then took my siblings and I out to eat while my parents stayed with Kathy and Tom to watch the burial. I don't remember much else from that day. I know there were many more discussions with my parents about the details of the accident and the funeral they were gracious enough to answer them age appropriately. My mind was so curious about everything and anything relating to the twins and the accident.
My family and Kathy and Tom's family had already been close, but this experience brought us even closer in a way that is hard to explain in words as we all learned to live live without the twins. Going to their house was weird at first, but then grew very comforting. I think Kathy and Tom liked having us kids around to help fill the silence. We all made small steps in moving forward with life, but at the same time celebrating the lives of Lisa and Laura and honoring their memory. We still talk about them often and share pictures and funny stories. I have missed them so very often these last 15 years and have often thought about what it would be like if they were still here. I then think about how I am thankful that I serve a God who has sustained Kathy and Tom and all of us who love and miss the girls so dearly through such heartbreak and loss. So today on this anniversary of a very sad day, I will also praise the God who heals wounds, comforts the broken-hearted and loves unconditionally.

Blog Construction

I'm trying to make my blog look and feel a little more inviting...so bear with me as I am figuring out how to change things.

Jumbled Thoughts

I think I've hit a wall again...in writing that is. So many thoughts all jumbled up in my brain and racing like crazy from one corner to the other. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to spit them out on to paper.

Slappin Da Bass

So I know that this clip is completely ridiculous, but it makes me laugh so hard everytime I watch it! Enjoy... or not...
(Click the title to go to the video...thats the only way it would work)

Interesting Point.

as pointed out by a dear friend.

Thankful Thursday

I'm Thankful:

• for fresh, clean clothes straight from the dryer.
• for friends from high school that i still keep in touch with.
• for music that matches my mood.

Inspiring

http://www.jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/

http://blog.amywenzel.com/

Above are the links to 2 blogs that I have been following for the last month or so. Allow me to introduce you to David & Amy Wenzel. A couple that I myself have never met, but after reading their story on their blogs have been deeply affected by their life, faith and work.

I would encourage you to check them out. David has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor and they are both very open about the journey they are on and how God is at work. I promise you will be blessed. Lets join together in lifting them up in prayer.

Amazing Day

Last week I had one of the coolest experiences of my life thus far. I got to spend time with a newborn baby girl during her first hours of life while we waited for her adoptive family to come care for her. I could not bear the thought of her spending her first hours here on earth in a sterile plastic bassinet. I sat in the rocking chair near the window and held her close as the rain poured down and Bewitched played in the background. As I stared down at this tiny human being, I could not imagine anything more perfect. Her long, skinny fingers and her pouty little lips. Her delicate ears pressed against the side of her head. Her cheeks were round and full, while her twig-like legs were covered with wrinkly skin. She was angelic. I wished I knew what her name was so that I could speak it to her. The nurse nicknamed her "Cutie" while I called her "Sweet Girl". I could not help but think what an amazingly loving sacrifice her birth mother and birth father had just made hours before and what this little one's new life would be like with her forever family. I have the privilege of knowing both of these families and they are without a doubt some of the most unselfish and loving people I have ever met. I hope this child grows to understand how precious and loved she is by her birth family, forever family and by our God. As the hours passed and the adoptive family's journey to the hospital was nearly complete, I grew so anxious for this sweet little girl to meet her mother and father. I silently said a prayer over her and got her ready to meet this couple who had been praying for her before she was even born. Our last few moments together were spent looking out the window into the outside world she would soon join. The adoptive family entered the room and I was privileged to introduce them to their new daughter. There were smiles that light up the room and tears streaming down dry faces. The new mother let out a huge sigh of relief as I handed this sweet little one over to her, as if to say "finally she is here". The new dad had the video camera and was taping the beautiful life-changing moment. I asked if they had a name picked out and they eagerly told me, it was perfect for her. I had this overwhelming sense that everything was right. This sweet little girl was exactly where she was suppose to be and I was blessed to be able to spend just a few beautiful hours with her.

Thankful Thursday...

Its been a long time since I've done a Thankful Thursday post sadly, so here we go...

1) I am thankful for breakfast at the Toast with some of my dear friends: Amanda, Cherilyn and little Eyla.

2) I'm thankful for a day off to spend with beautiful friends and how even a task like running errands can be fun when done with them.

3) I'm thankful for my neighbor/landlord Jerry and how he looks after me and is always there to help.

Sound Advice...

Today one of my friends on facebook had this status: "How do you cure a broken heart?" Someone responded with this advice: "You pray...and you keep praying every time it hurts...and eventually you'll feel God putting it back together...."
Wow...I needed to hear this advice.

Good Words.

There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire,which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. ~Washington Irving

Grocery Shopping.

I went grocery shopping today, which usually proves to be a frustrating task for me.
It either:
a) annoys me to traipse through the crowd of people who have little regard for others and demonstrate this by blocking the entire isle with their cart and or body.
b) bothers me to spend money on some of the exact things I just bought the week before.
c) is a glaring reminder that I live alone as evidenced by the contents of my cart, which usually contains items such as cereal, milk, veggie burgers, fruit, peanut butter, bread, and salad . All things that can be made into a meal quickly and with little effort. It's not that I don't enjoy cooking, it's just that I don't like to put so much effort into something that is just for me.

As you can see grocery shopping is needless to say a discouraging event for me. On this Sunday evening it was different. I walked into the store to find the construction that has plagued this place for months to be almost done. It looked like a completely new store and made me feel like I was in a different location. Not my average, run of the mill grocery store. The layout is different, there is a sushi stand...which though it may frighten me to try such a delicacy from a super market, it just makes the whole place feel so fancy! I was not even annoyed by the fact that they have changed all the isles. I even had to do a little searching for my normal products. And though I will never understand why cat food and chips are sold in the same isle, this new renovation has brought a sense of hope. My surprisingly delightful trip did not stop there. As I stood in the checkout line to pay, I was a part of an unexpected "community". The check out lines were busy and every time a cashier would push a bag of grapes across the scanner, he would yell out "GRAPES!" and several other store employees would respond by yelling "GRAPES!". I wasn't really sure why, they were doing this, but my very friendly cashier later explained that Grapes are the fruit of the week, so they yell that every time they scan them. I found this endearing. I also was third in line, behind 2 women, both with enough food to feed a small army. As usual I reached for a magazine to distract myself from the wait. As the first woman was paying, she reached back and gave the second woman her customers rewards card to scan so that she could also get the discounts. "How nice is that." I thought. Well the kind behavior did not stop there. A large man dressed in regular clothes came up to the woman in front of me and asked if he could help bag her groceries because the poor cashier was trying to scan and bag quickly, as she stuffed things in bags, but they were barely making a dent in all the items she was buying. The man was still there when it was my turn and he again bagged my groceries and set them in my cart. I'm pretty sure he did not even work there! I left feeling so encouraged...how often do things like that happen? Not enough it seems, but tonight in that grocery store it felt like real community. And may I just say...I Love Nice People.

Something to think about.

"God has me."
I just read this statement on someone's blog and it stuck out so clearly to me.
Do I live like God has me?
What does that really look like?
Hmmm....pondering this now.

Life is more than just daily...

I read this devotional written by Joni Eareckson Tada on an adoption blog the other day and have not been able to get it out of my head...and I really don't want to.

Life Is So Daily

Your strength will equal your days.
--Deuteronomy 33:25b

Have you ever thought of your days as so...daily? The minute you open your eyes in the morning you can feel yourself shifting into routine. Turn off alarm. Fling back covers. Put feet in slippers. Turn on shower. Squeeze toothpaste on brush while shower heats up. Like I said: It's so daily.

That's especially true for me. I wake up every morning to the exact same series of events. A friend comes into the bedroom, turns on the tap to warm the water, heads for the kitchen and pours coffee, comes back and puts the coffee straw in my mouth and begins to put my legs through their range-of-motion exercise routine. After that, it's a bath, get dressed, and be lifted into my wheelchair. Some days I wish the routine could vary, but like you, I must accept the daily-ness.

My friend Shirley Locker, who is also disabled, once reminded me that our daily challenges have rewards for those who trust God for hour-by-hour (sometimes minute-by-minute) strength. God promises, "Your strength will equal your days."

No matter how deep the rut of your daily routine, satisfaction in the Lord Jesus can be deeper still. In fact, God invites us to know His satisfaction on a more profound level as we remind ourselves to go to Him for grace, especially during those so-called boring hours when we feel our life is on automatic. He knows that's when we need Him most.

* * * * *
No matter how much the "same" your day appears, God's grace will make it different because His grace is fresh every morning. Lamentations 2 tells us His love and compassion are new every morning. What a relief. What parts of your day are routine? Why not infuse them with life by inviting God to be a part of them? Memorize Scripture during your bathroom routines, and pray while you're dressing.

Thank You, Lord, that Your strength and grace are daily--not that they're routine, but that they're consistently available. Every day. Every hour. Every moment. Help me to draw on them today.

Blessings,

Joni and Friends

Taken from More Precious Than Silver. Copyright © 1998 by Joni Eareckson Tada. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530

My daily prayer...

These are the things I pray each day...

Search me O God and know my heart
Test me and know my anxious thoughts
See if there be any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.

Make me the woman you want me to be.

Lord i believe, help me with my unbelief.

Help me to be sensitive to the needs of those around me.

There are many other things that I pray on any given day, but these are the things that I find myself praying day in and day out.

I want to go here...

I have wanted to go to Greece for years. It seems so peaceful and serene, with breathtaking views and colors. One day...

Thankful Thursday (I'm Back)...

Wow, it has been incredibly too long since I have last blogged, especially a Thankful Thursday Post. I have had an extreme case of writers block lately. Every time i sit down to write...nothing. I have found that i blog in my head, especially at night. Often when i am trying to fall asleep i think of things that happened that day or something that is on my mind and seem to "blog" about it in my head. My thoughts come together nicely, with rich vocabulary and eloquently written sentences, but again when i sit down to write it out...nothing. So, anyway i am going to push past that and try to be better about posting more regularly...even if i don't feel like the entries are very good.

Ok Today I am Thankful For:

- Inside jokes with my family. I have recently spent quite a bit of time with my parents and siblings and ended up laughing about half that time. I love how we know each other so well, we know what makes each other laugh. We also have had years together to develop inside jokes; whether its quoting a show or movie that we all like, or a funny memory from growing up, it just feels so good to laugh with my family and realize there are so many things that connect us to one another.

-Soul-feeding conversations. I am very blessed to have people in my life that I can have the kind of conversations with that literally provide nourishment to my soul. The kind of conversations that bring clarity, peace, encouragement and challenges to my life. I have so needed those conversations lately.

-Sharing my Passions. This week at work I was interviewed by someone collecting information about what we do. I was give the opportunity to speak freely about adoption and how deeply passionate I am about it...I found that while I was answering questions intended to help this person get a clear picture of why we exist, i ended up refreshing my heart for this field.

PostSecret

You probably have heard of the PostSecret phenomenon, in which people anonymously confess a secret they have never told anyone on postcard and mail it to a man named Frank Warren. Frank then displays these postcards on this website
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Some of the secrets are funny, some are strange or scary and some are just heartbreaking. Thousands of people have mailed their secrets into a man that they don't even know, to be posted online for the world to read. Why?
My reactions to this have varied widely. When I first learned of this website I was intrigued. It was so fascinating to me to see what people would confess to total strangers. I then was annoyed that people would even do this and that someone would put all that effort into creating a website and several books that contain peoples most private confessions for what I understood to be entertainment. That was several years ago when I first learned of the project. I have recently come across the website again and this time my eyes and heart have been awakened to see it for so much more. It is a community. Isn't that what we all long for? To be in honest relationship with others? To feel like we are not alone or that different from someone else out there? I realized that this is a way to be seen and heard. A way for people to experience a sense of release from these things that they have hidden so deep within themselves. These postcards remind us to be sensitive to those around us, because we never really know what someone is going through. I also watched a video of Frank Warren speaking about the project. He now goes around and uses this as a platform to speak to people about embracing who they are. On his website he explains that through this project people's lives have been changed and even saved. People have been touched by what others have written or have found comfort in the thought that someone else understands where they have been. My heart still breaks when I read some of the postcards, but now instead of casting judgement, I pray for the person who wrote that secret, because I have a relationship with a God that can provide all this website does and so much more and I hope one day the person experiences that freedom as well.

Another Thankful Thursday Post....
Today I am thankful for this for this little guy...

Who turned into this man...

This handsome man is my older brother, whom I love more than words can express.
As you can see, he taught me how to ride a bike and has taught me so many other things throughout life thus far. We may have fought growing up, but I always knew he had my back.
I am thankful that now we are so much more than siblings...we are friends. He is kind and hardworking and so much braver than I think he realizes. He has the greatest sense of humor and a laugh that is contagious!
So today I am thankful for B (as well call him) and all that he brings to my life and to those lives around him :)

Thankful Thursday

It's Thursday again, which means another Thankful Thursday post!

Today I am thankful for:

-Absolutely beautiful weather. It's sweatshirt season, which is my favorite! The sun was shining and it was breezy...Amazing.

-Friends who I can completely be myself with...no judgement, no trying to persuade me to be one way or another, they love me if I am silly, sad, angry, cranky, sappy, happy or serious....just pure acceptance and love.

-Days off from work, to sleep in and enjoy being at home.

Thankful Thursdays...

For the last couple of months I have been following the blog of a woman who celebrates Thankful Thursdays. Each week, on Thursday she takes time out of her busy life to pause and be grateful for what God has given her. In an effort to realize the gifts that God has blessed my life with and follow the command that is laid out for us in scriptures to give thanks I am now celebrating Thankful Thursdays on my blog as well. Sometimes it may be silly little things that make me smile, or huge blessings that He has bestowed upon me, either way I have so much to be thankful for.
Today I am thankful for.....

A job that I adore and allows me to explore the passions that my Lord has placed in my heart. Even when I am stressed to the max, I can't help but be thankful for the fact that I get to watch God bring families together.

I am thankful for Co-workers who are also friends- who support me in my professional life and my personal life.

Opportunities to learn more about who God is and see him in ways that are new and fresh. Most recently for me, this has happened through reading The Shack and through hearing some of my close friends talk about their callings to the ministry.

Please feel free to join in celebrating Thankful Thursday on your blog!

Songs that Speak

God has really been using music to speak to me lately...here are a couple sections of songs that He is usuing in a powerful way.

You Never Let Go
By: Matt Redman

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me


I Have to Believe
By: Rita Springer

I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Chin

This may sound strange, but those of you who are close to me, know that I'm not really a fan of my chin. I often refer to it as my "butt chin", because frankly to me that's what it resembles. However, last night I came across this picture of my mom and dad when they were newly married. The thing that struck me most about the photo was my mother's chin. It looks just like mine, or rather mine looks just like hers. In that instance my mind completely changed. How can I hate this feature that I inherited from the woman who gave birth to me and poured herself into loving and raising me? Why had I never noticed this before?
From now on, when I see myself in the mirrior or a picture and am tempted to comment on the shape of my chin...I will choose to see it as a reminder of the strong, loving, selfless, hospitalble and charming woman that I share it with.

Walking on Sunshine

The sun is shining, not just outside but within me. This may seem like a somewhat trivial fact, but for me it's beyond significant. After almost a year of feeling any combination of the following emotions on a daily basis: blue, angry, sad, doubtful, hopeless, worthless, skeptical, frustrated, empty, down, hurt, anxious, desperate, numb or a myriad of others; this sunshine is at the very least a breath of fresh air. I awoke yesterday actually wanting to get out of bed and excited for the day. Today was the same. It did't even matter what I was going to do during the day, it was just nice to be awake. More often than not the last few months I have enjoyed escaping into slumber more than being awake. Life seemed so overwhelming and it was hard to just be. The person that I felt like, was not the person that I wanted to be or really who I believe down deep that I am. Small tasks became huge "mountains". It was hard to focus on any one thing or organize my thoughts enough to accomplish much. My room was a total disaster. It may not seem that important, but I have found that the state of my room...the space where I reside and am able to just "be", most accurately reflects the state of my heart and mind....a mess. Today I cleaned up that mess the best that I could.
I would be lying if I said there were no moments of relief or happiness in all of this mess, because there certainly have been lots of them; just the overall tone of life has been far less than pleasant. I'm not really able to explain why...perhaps it was seasonal, perhaps situational or chemical or a mixture of all. Either way yesterday and today have been different. Throughout this year others have reminded me that God is faithful. I heard and believed them with my head, but my heart was a bit more stubborn (as it so often is), this weekend God showed me himself that He is indeed faithful. I still don't have all the answers and situations have not changed, but something in me has begun to and for that I am undeniably grateful. I'm not naive enough to think that the feelings of depression are gone forever, maybe they will even return tomorrow, but I have been physically reminded that My God is Faithful even in the storm and perhaps even when I am less than faithful.