Walking on Sunshine

The sun is shining, not just outside but within me. This may seem like a somewhat trivial fact, but for me it's beyond significant. After almost a year of feeling any combination of the following emotions on a daily basis: blue, angry, sad, doubtful, hopeless, worthless, skeptical, frustrated, empty, down, hurt, anxious, desperate, numb or a myriad of others; this sunshine is at the very least a breath of fresh air. I awoke yesterday actually wanting to get out of bed and excited for the day. Today was the same. It did't even matter what I was going to do during the day, it was just nice to be awake. More often than not the last few months I have enjoyed escaping into slumber more than being awake. Life seemed so overwhelming and it was hard to just be. The person that I felt like, was not the person that I wanted to be or really who I believe down deep that I am. Small tasks became huge "mountains". It was hard to focus on any one thing or organize my thoughts enough to accomplish much. My room was a total disaster. It may not seem that important, but I have found that the state of my room...the space where I reside and am able to just "be", most accurately reflects the state of my heart and mind....a mess. Today I cleaned up that mess the best that I could.
I would be lying if I said there were no moments of relief or happiness in all of this mess, because there certainly have been lots of them; just the overall tone of life has been far less than pleasant. I'm not really able to explain why...perhaps it was seasonal, perhaps situational or chemical or a mixture of all. Either way yesterday and today have been different. Throughout this year others have reminded me that God is faithful. I heard and believed them with my head, but my heart was a bit more stubborn (as it so often is), this weekend God showed me himself that He is indeed faithful. I still don't have all the answers and situations have not changed, but something in me has begun to and for that I am undeniably grateful. I'm not naive enough to think that the feelings of depression are gone forever, maybe they will even return tomorrow, but I have been physically reminded that My God is Faithful even in the storm and perhaps even when I am less than faithful.