About Funerals

My sweet grandpa passed away this past weekend. He was 86 years old and his health was failing. He died peacefully in the care of hospice and at his home as he had wished.
The dying process is really quite fascinating and full of so many varying emotions. During the week that my grandpa was home under hospice care, his house was filled with a combination of family, friends and caregivers. Everyone coming to say goodbye and spend just a few more moments with him. The hospice workers gave our family a booklet titled Gone From My Sight: The Dying Experience by Barbara Karnes. The booklet outlined for us what the dying process could be like for him and what to expect. We all found the material very helpful. Check it out here:


Throughout the weekend, I made several observations:
- Planning a funeral helps with the grieving. They say that funerals are really more for the living than the deceased. Yes, it is a way to honor and pay your respects to the one who has passed on, but perhaps more importantly it is to help the loved ones say goodbye and start the grieving process. The business that comes from planning a funeral helps somewhat to distract from the shock of losing someone so dear to you. Choosing flowers, writing the obituary and planning the details of the service take the place of your daily routines. It's later...after the funeral, the burial, the prepared meals and all the family goes home that life must return to "normal". Only now you must create a "new normal", one that no longer includes your loved one. And this process is no easy feat...and certainly not something that happens in a day, month or even year. As terribly painful as it can be you have to experience the "old normal" activities, locations, routines, events without your loved one in order to create the "new normal", and this can take a lifetime. The tasks that a funeral creates help keep your heart and mind from becoming so overwhelmed with this daunting reality. You literally have to take it "one day at a time".

-Food- Food becomes such a comfort during this process. During the time that my grandfather was in hospice care, many people bought food by to his house for the family and any other visitors. There were trays of all kinds: meat, cheese, veggie, fruit, cookie, etc. All delivered with love and care. People were showing their love and support for us by providing for one of our most basic needs. I have noticed that when the death is a tragedy or the person is younger, food is often the last thing that anyone wants. The family and friends are so immensely grief-stricken that they have completely lost their ability to eat. However, in this case, where my grandfather was quite a bit older and had lived a long life, eating was very natural and needed.

Death forces you to look at your life in a way that few other things do. As I stood near the casket at the viewing and greeted those who came through to offer their condolences, I was privy to story after story of my grandfather and his interactions with the community, business men & women, friends and family. This was his legacy. They talked of his caring heart and his hardworking nature. They laughed as they retold stories of his thriftiness and strong-will. I was honored to listen to these stories as they painted a perfect picture of the man I have known for 27 years as my grandfather. I also found myself thinking about what legacy I would lead. We have a tendency to idolize people after they pass on. Now, I know for fact that my grandfather was not perfect and I know for a fact that I'm not either and I would never want someone to think that I was. I am left pondering the legacy that I want to leave on this earth and realizing that saying I want to leave a "certain legacy" and actually living my life in a way that will leave said legacy are 2 different things and I must do the latter.